Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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