Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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