Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
