Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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