Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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