I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
