Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
