I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
