I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
