Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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