If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
