Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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