News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
