i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
