Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
