he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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