Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So vagazzling was a success
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
