i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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