im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
