so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
