Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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