Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i was born a porn star she said
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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