My hand turned me down
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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