if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
