You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
