I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
