That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
