Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
