When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
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She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize