no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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