Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
