apparently the secret to your success is patron
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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