my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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