A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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