I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
