Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
