I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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