You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
