it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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