My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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