Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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