I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
