Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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