on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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