I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
