Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
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Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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