I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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