Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
