Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
