we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
