I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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