There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
