My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
