Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
