i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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